Chrysler

With Plymouth being mothballed, Chrysler Corp. is down to only two makes with a handful of models each.  Dodge has gone trucks-and-high-performance-only, and Chrysler itself has but one model that (barely) fits my criteria.


200
The cheapest 200 is only a hair under $20k and gets exactly 30mpg.  It's definitely a borderline case, but it's also a very handsome automobile - and a comfortable one.  Like the other midsize sedans I've tried, the 200 is not difficult to get into or out of.  The driver's seat is a very nice place to be, with comfy seats and an interior that is at least trying to look high-end.  It's not quite as spacious as the similarly-priced Fusion, but it makes up for it with loads of class.  I would not mind driving a 200, and I will at least consider it as a contender for additional evaluation.

Volkswagen

I've never liked VWs.  They're designed to only fit petite Europeans, and any time you see a dude driving one, there's a decent chance he's wearing an upside-down Adidas visor.  And to make matters worse, they tend to be a bit expensive for what you get.  Nevertheless, due diligence demands that I at least give them a shot.

I shouldn't have wasted my time.

Sweet car, brah!

Golf
This is the least comfortable car I've ever sat in, and that includes a Miata I once had to move across a parking lot.  Ignoring for a moment the ridiculously large roof and floor sills that make getting in and out nearly impossible, the model I sat in had these narrow, high-sided bucket seats that were downright painful.  Even the most cursory understanding of ergonomics would indicate that the human ass is not shaped like a "v".  Like Steve McQueen, this fact escaped the Germans.  I hate this car.


Jetta
Not nearly as terrible as the Golf, the Jetta was still unreasonably difficult to enter and exit.  Again with the high floor sill and low head clearance.  Even in the sunroof-equipped model I tried, my head was only half an inch from the roof.  I really couldn't imagine having to get in and out of this car every day.  Other than that, it was pretty comfortable to sit in.  The seats were designed with human-shaped butts in mind, so at least it has that going for it.  I don't hate this car, but I certainly won't be buying one.

Kia

"Power to surprise" is right.  Kia has a less-than-spectacular reputation.  Their cars are very cheap, and the general consensus is that you get what you pay for.  I wasn't expecting much from these Korean econo-boxes, but from a purely fat-friendly standpoint, they're the first maker I've found that has two legitimate options.


Rio
As I said in the intro, Kia has two legitimate options.  The Rio isn't one of them.  It's a tiny car made for tiny people.  Nothing about it was comfortable, and there wasn't nearly enough room for either of my legs.  Lets waste no more time on this one.  On to (slightly) bigger and (much) better things.


Soul
Oh, I get it!  Soul.  Seoul.  Korea.  Ha!

You magnificent, odd-looking bastard!

Dumb jokes aside, I really liked this car.  It has the same boxy, wagon-ish layout as the xB and Cube, though luckily not nearly as ugly as the Cube.  It's still no looker.  It's obviously trying very hard to be hip, without really being aware of what "hip" means.  This was a car designed by a committee of old men to appeal to young people in a very different culture.

You know what?  I don't care.  Not even a little.  The damn thing is just too well designed (intentionally or not) for someone like myself who is both tall and fat.    Just like the other boxes, you just step in and sit down with no contortions needed.  Getting out was equally simple.  There is loads of shoulder and ass room, and though there isn't a lot of head room (only about 1.5in above my dome), there is enough.  The seats feel very good, the armrests are at the right height, and there was enough room for both my legs to rest in a comfortable position.  The Soul will definitely be getting a test drive in the near future.


Forte
To look at it, you'd never guess the Forte was based on the same platform as the Hyundai Elantra.  I have tried (and loved) the Elantra, and the Forte shares its roomy door openings and drivers area dimensions.  For a sedan, ingress/egress is painless.  The cabin provided enough room in every direction so that I didn't feel cramped.  I could comfortably sit in this car for hours.

That is where the similarities end, though.  Where the Elantra looks interesting, the Forte is almost deliberately dull.  Both externally and internally, the Forte looks like they were aiming for the most generic car they could build.  I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen in one, but I wouldn't be excited either.  Of course, what you get with the Forte is either more options for the same money as an Elantra, or the same options for less dough.  Cosmetic concerns aside, it's certainly comfortable and cheap enough to bear a test drive in the final evaluation round.

Mazda

I almost didn't bother going to the Mazda dealership.  They've been in an "It's Complicated" with Ford for the better part of a decade, and most of their cars are built on existing Ford platforms.  This is the case with the two Mazda cars I was interested in - the 2 and 3.  Since I'd already tried the Ford equivalents (Fiesta and Focus, respectively) and found them to be lacking in the space department, I didn't hold out much hope for the Japanese versions.  Turns out, it was worth the trip.


2
Though built on the same platform as (and sharing many parts with) the Ford Fiesta, the Mazda 2 is actually a bit roomier.  It's definitely easier to get in and out.  The deal killer, though, is that the semi-detached column from which gear shift sprouts intrudes too far into the space where my right leg would comfortable occupy.  No worries, the 3 more than made up for it.


3
I don't know how Mazda did it, but the 3 is much better for big people than its brother, the Ford Focus.  Getting out was somehow easier than getting in, but both were significantly better than the Focus (or most of the other cars I've tested).  The interior was nice, and the adjustable (tilt and telescoping) wheel made thing extra-easy.  The seats were plain, but comfortable enough and had lots of adjustments.  I could definitely drive this car every day, and it is on my short list of finalists.

Nissan

Looks like my timing just plain sucks.  The local Nissan dealership was, like many others, low on 2011 models and had yet to receive many 2012s.  They didn't have a single Versa on the lot.  They did have a few others that I wanted to check out, so I made do with what was available.


Cube

I've been dreading this one.  It's a box-on-wheels, so in theory it should be very roomy and easy to get in and out of.  The price is right and the mileage is acceptable (though borderline).  But even though the Cube should be a good candidate on paper, I really didn't want it to fit.  I know looks shouldn't count for a cheap commuter car, but this thing is desperately ugly.  With its bizarre proportions and drastically asymmetrical styling, the Cube is the Lyle Lovett of the car world.  No me gusta.

Hey man, words hurt.

Getting in was as painless as I had feared.  There was a massive amount of room in the cabin.  I was terrified I might actually have to buy one of these monstrosities, right up until I closed the door.

Hallelujah!  Saved by a crippling design flaw.

It seems whatever mental defect made the designer think the Cube looked good also affected his ability to utilize space.  Despite acres of room in the cabin, they made the seats far too narrow for someone as wide as myself.  With the door closed, I was pushed by the door panels far enough to the center that I couldn't put the seat-mounted armrest down.  I also felt as though I would fall out of the thing just sitting there.  This is especially silly when you notice the foot-or-so of space between the two front seats.  There's nothing there - no center armrest/cubbyhole thingie.  Just an empty space where a non-impaired engineer would have put the seats. 


Sentra
I expected the same from the Sentra that I got from the Civic, Corolla  and Focus - difficult entry and exit, marginally comfortable once inside.  I am very happy to have been proven wrong.

Ingress/egress was not as effortless as some of the boxy models, but it was much easier than most of the other sedans I've tried.  There was plenty of room in the driver's seat, and though it wasn't as roomy as the Fusion, I definitely felt less cramped than in any of the other compacts.  There were no gewgaws on the dashboard poking me in the legs.  It was as if they built this car with large people in mind.

I won't bother going into any more details here because I already know the Sentra will end up getting reviewed in detail in the final showdown.  I look forward to a test drive and more thorough inspection.


Juke
Fail.  The highish ground clearance was helpful in getting in and out, but the low roof pretty much negated that small benefit.  Inside, with the seats all the way back, my knees were still pressed uncomfortably into the dash.  Head, hip and shoulder room were also in short supply.  This was all-around the least comfortable car I've tested so far.  The Juke is for small people only.

Ford

Chevy was abysmal in the cars-for-fatasses department, but maybe the other American car company (Chrysler hardly counts any more) will do better.


Focus
Arguably one of the best looking cars on my list, the Focus is too sporty for its own good.  The low roofline, low seat and small cabin make it tough to get into and out of.  Once inside, I definitely felt cramped from pretty much every angle.  Unlike some of the other cars tested, I could drive the Focus if I had to, but I certainly wouldn't be comfortable.  Bummer.


Fusion
Now we're talking!  While technically in the same mid-size class as the Cruze, the Fusion feels about 20% bigger on the inside and is 100% easier to get into and out of.  The seats are wide and acceptably comfortable, though not spectacular.  On a purely do-I-fit basis, the Fusion is a win.

Even though I promised myself I wouldn't take such things into consideration, I do have a minor gripe:  The Fusion is dull.  The interior is so generic that it practically screams "rental car".  The exterior is just as bad, with only the comically large faux-chrome grille to distract you from the ass-aching plainness of the thing.

Luckily, it has another problem that gives me a legitimate excuse to keep looking - the price.  Technically, the base model is under $20k (by about $150).  However, finding a bone-stock base model for sale anywhere is pretty much impossible.  The cheapest Fusion at the local dealership was a hair under $23k, and the salesman said that's pretty standard.  I might be able to talk him down into my price range, but that's a battle for another day (if ever).  At least I know that - if it comes down to it - there is at least one car that meets all my important criteria.


Fiesta
The dealership didn't have any 2011 Fiestas left, and the 2012s hadn't arrived yet (a common theme).  Luckily, I have a friend who owns a 2011 Fiesta, and she was kind enough to let me try it on.  It pretty much mirrored my experience with the Focus, being just a bit too tight for comfort in every direction.  My knees were so close to the steering wheel that my hands would have hit them during hard turning.  Getting in and out was much more difficult than with its sub-compact competitors (Yaris, Fit, etc).  My friend is very small, and she absolutely loves her Fiesta.  Alas, as large as I am, it is a love I cannot share.

Honda

Everybody knows Honda makes good small cars.  It's pretty much taken for granted that for reliability and resale value, you just can't go wrong with a Honda.  But good as they are, can someone who is 6'4", 400lbs fit comfortably in one?


Fit
Every review I've read and every person I've spoken to about the Fit had the same thing to say - It's magical.  Somehow ignoring the rules of Euclidean geometry, the Fit's designers managed to make the car bigger on the inside than on the outside.  With the rear seats folded flat, this sub-compact commuter car has more storage space than many mid-size SUVs.  That bodes well for a large driver.

See that pointy bit circled in red?  I HATE that bit.

Getting in certainly was easy.  Like some of the other boxy, upright-seating-position cars I've tried, you basically just sit down and you're in.  This just might be the one...

But no.  Again we have a perfect example of retarded style choices ruining a potentially fat-friendly ride.  The center console has a pointy bit that poked directly into your right knee.  If that bit wasn't there, or the seat moved two inches farther back, I'd probably be signing the papers on a Fit tomorrow.  But that one little jabby bit would make this car impossible to live with for 2-3 hours per day.  Seriously, everything else is perfect - head room, leg room, ass room - all fine.  I even like the star-trekky steering wheel and instrument cluster. 

I could take a sawzall to the offending piece of ill-conceived plastic and make this an ideal car, but FFS, that shouldn't be necessary.  Surely a company as large and well-funded as Honda considered the possibility that taller drivers might want to buy their cars?  I mean it took more effort on their part to add that stupid pointy bit than it would to have left it out.  Dammit Honda.


Civic
I'll make this one quick.  The Civic, just like the Corolla and Cruze, was comfortable to sit in, but pointlessly difficult to get into and out of.  Leg room was downright phenomenal - I could stretch my left leg out completely straight, and would have been able to do the same with my right if not for the gas pedal.  It was a little tight in the hips, but not terribly so.  Getting in and out was just too much of a hassle.  If all else fails, I may revisit the Civic in the semi-finals, but the remaining options are going to have to be pretty bad.

WTF, Honda?

Insight
It's the only hybrid you can buy for under $20k.  That is just about all the Insight has going for it.  Of the cars I've tried so far, it was the most difficult car to get in or out of.  The low roof, small doors and low seating position are murderous.  Once inside, you're faced with the exact same problem as the Fit - a pointless doodad jabbing you in the right knee.  In this case, it was a large round instrument cluster that seems to have been engineered specifically to pry the kneecap off your leg.  It was uncomfortable sitting still.  If I were to dare drive the car, one good pothole would probably leave me wheelchair-bound for life.  And because there are necessary buttons and knobs on the protrusion, hacking it off isn't even an option.  Though with all the difficulty getting in, the Insight isn't really worth that much trouble anyway.